Delay

So, this isn't going to be a terribly long post. Really, it's just me wondering if I should run the risk of looking like a creeper to ask this girl on a date. The thing is, I know that unless I make it a point to go out and see her, I will never see her again. And I have no clue what she's like other than chatting for maybe half an hour. I thought I'd see her today and ask her, but I couldn't find her. So, yeah. To creep or not to creep. I really should've just asked her then and there, but the thought didn't occur to me until after the fact.

Thunder

You know that shaky-arm, butterflies in the stomach, "oh crap" nervous feeling you get sometimes? Yeah, I've got that feeling right now. Here's why: Donar is live. Also: I got a new guitar. Yay!

Obligatory New Years Post

This post will be short and sweet, I promise.

So, anyone else get pretty hammered last night? I know I had at least 15 shots. As an aside: vodka tastes like what running alcohol smells like. Also, I love you Gatorade company. Great for athletes and hangover-prevention alike.

2012. Man. What a boring year. Aside from the wallet-eating machine that was gaming, not much happened. Work, work, games, books, work, guitar, work... And that's about it. I did get a little better at Japanese, I started trying to learn the piano, I gained like 10 pounds (and finally cracked 100. Stupid metabolism...), aaand... Oh, right, started another blog. I'll get around to posting that link around here sometime, but right now I kind of want to punish my brain and test my patience by playing some dark souls. See you soon!

Reader: Beware

You may have seen the Dos Equis commercial wherein the most interesting man in the world stated: "If you don't have a dark secret, it's never too late to make one." I am here to say that I can exclude myself from his statement, for I have many, many dark secrets. Deep are the recesses in which my secrets hide, and I have held on to them too long. In the coming days, you will eventually come across a link here, and this will be to a second blog, one that will run in tandem with this one, and perhaps run even more frequently. This, then, is the reasoning for my title.

Reader: beware. What you read there will forever change your view of me. It will rend all you've thought you've known about anything I've said or done. This is not an easy road to travel. To help facilitate this launch of my deepest secrets, I have but one rule: my secrets are mine own. Feel free to point people to my blog, but do not spread them in any other way. Anything that is misconstrued I wish to avoid; let them get the story straight from the horse's mouth. Then feel free to speculate amongst yourselves, after reading.

Now then, as it will take time for me to think up a new domain for that blog, as well as do a layout and start posting, I extend to you this head-start: if you are reading this, odds are that you know me personally. As such, I will truthfully answer any question you pose to me from a text or email that references this post (reader: beware). I cannot stress this enough: do not ask any question that you do not wish to know the answer to. I will hold nothing back.

I look forward to changing your perceptions.

Promises

Humans are so fickle; we change our desires on a whim, and look at duty as a four-letter-word. "Duty? How profane and commonplace." We scoff, thinking it beneath us. Or, on the other side of the coin, above us.

It was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for



Duty is what needs to drive us. We are selfish creatures, all seeking for our own satisfaction. Yeah, you may help the poor, volunteer at a shelter for animals, or any other thing on the list of commonly accepted "Good Things", but why? Because it makes you feel good. What if that feeling disappeared? Would you still do it? Probably not. But duty. Responsibility. That is what would drive you on. You are responsible for the poor, sick, and homeless. It is your duty.
Likewise, it is your duty to stay pledged to the one you say you love. It astonishes me that divorce and cheating is so rampant in this society. When did it become unheard of to stay with the person you married? You've been married for 25 years and still love each other? Wow. Surprising, you kept your wedding vows.

It was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

That's a line from a song titled "Dancing in the Minefields" by Andrew Peterson. Why do most people not hold this view anymore? It was a promise, and in the innocence we had as kids we believed promises were absolute. When did that stop? Should we not do that which we promise?

We need to make the choice to keep love alive in our relationships. It's not a feeling, it's actions. "I love you" means a lot less coming from someone who is never there for you, or leaves when the going is rough. That's what the promise is for, to keep you going when you think your feelings have changed. You'll never know your true love until you make it through the rough patches, so stick it out: there's happiness on the other side.

Returns

Wow. Where to begin? It's been so long. It's good to come back, but I know it should have been sooner. Have you ever had that feeling where you know you want to do something, but then you just keep putting it off, and the longer you put it off the less you feel like doing it because it's been so long? Yeah, that's me with this blog.

~Anywho~

I got a job. A full-time one, with Southwest airlines. It takes a lot of time, and I wish I lived closer to Midway, but I fly for free and the work is good. The only downside is I have weird days off and stuff. If you do absolutely nothing on Wednesdays, Thursdays, or the random *managed to finangle a day off somehow* days, hit me up, we should hang out.

I also got a PS Vita, a keyboard (yes, add that to the long list of instruments I am learning how to play), re-did my room and practiced my bass like crazy over the summer. Add to that a new nook, reading 50 bajillion books (including the game of thrones series), getting my cube solve time to sub-two minutes, going to the final (yes, sadly it will never happen again) cornerstone, listening to 5 bajillion new bands, studying more Japanese and amassing a "pile of shame" of video games I have yet to complete, these past 6 months have been crazy. I have many things to tell you, and many things to look forward to, foremost being blogging more frequently. How can I say that? Well, I did recently order something that will make it much easier to blog on-the-go. Should be here in a week or two.

En Memoriam: The Ides

The now-defunct Cardiac Outbursts would every year as far back as I can remember, without fail, make a post about the Ides of March. As such, I felt it fitting to pay tribute with my title. Requiescat in pace.

Now, onto my post! Sorry I didn't post in February, I had this great video post lined up and every time I tried to go through with it, the audio would record and not the video, so that'll come later once I suss that out. Look forward to it.

Also, a lot of stuff has happened since my last post. Landed a job with Southwest airlines (which I start on Monday), learned some more songs, got a few new (totally awesome) CD's, and will probably be getting a car this week. Been pawing at the idea of asking a girl out, played a TON of the ME3 demo, built a new desktop PC for myself, and pulled my bike out so I can start riding it again (because it's finally warm enough!). Things move so fast. Anywho, that's just a quick mash-up of what's been happening over in my slice of the world. Look forward to that video post, coming up soon!

Obligatory New Years Day Post... 15 Days Late

First and foremost, I want to mention the end of the lifespan of a blog I've read for about five years now, if memory serves me correctly. I believe there will be no more mentioning of the blog Cardiac Outbursts, and I hope it has served my good friend Lexa well. Through my time, I've come to see a blog as not just the self-centered ravings of an egoist (as I once believed), but more the public, and yet somehow private and personal, journal of a person that has the need to express their ideas, ideals, and thoughts to the world, even if the world doesn't read it. Just a shame the blog shut down before I was able to read the final post.

Now, on to the self-centered ravings of this egoist, ha. I had an odd year last year. Not bad, just different. Next to no stress, looking back I spent the whole year in leisure. And you know what? I'm not sure I like it. I got next to nothing accomplished. School? That's expected. Better at guitar? I expect that of myself too. Other than that, I am no more proficient in anything that is of much consequence. I wonder if this is how most office workers feel. In their spare time, not accomplishing much, and in their professional lives just trudging through. I certainly hope that's not what's in store for all of us when we move on to our careers, we'd go insane. I've long believed the majority of my generation has no real drive, dreams, ambitions. I've heard it said that success will only be yours when you want it more than you want to breathe. I, for one, don't know if I want it that badly. There are very few things I do want that much, and success isn't one of them. I wonder if that's a good thing. Wonder if that's what has made this past year feel so empty. If I'm ok with that. And, sometimes, if I'm the only one I know that bothers to think about these things. Surely I must not be, after all, although minds don't think alike they certainly call to each other in such a way that is immensely interesting. Do we seek out other people with similar thinking processes, or do we just discard all others in our minds? What shapes our circle of influence? Our personality certainly, but is that all? Is there some unknown that pulls people together, are we in contact with all those we are in contact with for a reason? I have some ideas, but as with all things I find interesting, no matter what I think about it it still makes an interesting thought to paw at in your mind, or out loud with another mind that also finds these things interesting (or at least will humor you by joining in your desire to suss this out for a short while).

Hm. This post went differently than I had planned. That's ok. Just think about it. I think self-reflection is important. You have to know yourself, and to know yourself you have to think about yourself. Why do you make the decisions you make? Think the thoughts you think? Do the things you do? Or, perhaps more importantly (and on the other side of the coin), why do you NOT do or think certain things? It's ok if you don't answer questions like this at first, but I've found it opens your mind. Leaves you freer to express, and more easygoing and calm when you come across a conflicting situation. Knowing yourself leaves you free to act (or restrain yourself from acting) when life requires an immediate response. Maybe sometime soon I'll reveal how some of that inward thinking shaped me last year, or perhaps I'll keep that to myself for a while yet. I'll go see what I want, a kind of (amusing) consultation with oneself.

This year, I think we must look in to gain a clear view on what we're constantly looking out at. Think. Please.

Paradigm Shift

Argh! Just read this article http://kotaku.com/5868595/nerds-and-male-privilege and it infuriated me, submitted this as a comment (might not even make it past the moderators) so I decided to post it here. Read the article, then this response:

I apologize for the TL;DR-ness, but your article was also quite long, so bear with me:

So while I appreciate the underlying ideas behind this article, I do (and I fully understand that this will cause my argument to become moot in the minds of some others) take offense at certain other points raised. Will I deny that seeing this portrayal of women in the mainstream of games is fine by me? No. Why? Because, wait for it: I am a male. That gender filter you claim has no validity for males is partially true. In the world, most of the time women are put through their gender filter. But you narrowed your scope to the gaming world, and, I believe, to hardcore gamers (or even more specifically, to games with a comic book/anime tie). If we widen the scope of this article to all life, we would be sitting around talking about how the masses assign others attributes based solely on outward appearances, so let's just stick with the gaming world.

Will I “acknowledge that a one-sided (and one-dimensional) portrayal of women is the dominant paradigm in gaming”? Yes. It is the dominant paradigm. We'll cover that later. Before I say what I have to say on that, we have to erase your idea that anything a straight male gamer says is invalid because he is a straight male gamer. According to you, if you are a male, then your argument is invalid because you are a male. What? You fiat that most male gamers are either horny twits or white-knight idolaters (thereby still being horny twits, because they are idolizing this dominant portrayal of women in games). In doing so you have built an iron-clad reason for yourself to not listen to any opposing ideas. This reason is fallacious, but that hasn't stopped many others throughout history from holding similar ideas of different topics.

All gamers, and I do mean all (males, females, and yes, even you who is taking the “side” of the female gamer group) gamers need to approach this with openness to ideas. Does that mean we all have to drop our old ideas? Not necessarily. Does this mean we need to be unbiased? Yes and no. It does us no good if (as you desire) only the male group drops their bias towards this paradigm. Then we lose all ground we might already have, we are walking into battle with no counter-arguments. You also need to drop your bias, and until then we will be locked into this debate until developers stop desiring fast money (fat chance) or female gamers accept the status quo (which, we can agree, is just a little messed up). Now, with that out of the way:

"Women are represented like this because you're a male!" you scream. This is true. And why? Because the developers want to cash in on that. However, you do seem to dismiss franchises that don't objectify the women in it. Dismissing a counter-argument simply because it is a common argument is not a good way to go about debating. You must listen, and must address, otherwise there can be no constructive change.

Now, the point I made above about this being an article about hardcore gamers holds. I know very few female hardcore gamers. Why is that? Because other female gamers I know disagree with the portrayal of women in these games? No. It is because (as far as I have discerned) they quite simply don't enjoy the games. WoW? Starcraft? TRPG's? Gears of war? God of war? Assassin's Creed? Metal Gear? The elder scrolls? Uncharted? Portal? Half Life? Mass Effect? All major money makers, considered to be the huge hits (and aside from portal, all considered to be hardcore games). Is it because of their lack of objectified women? No. Look at Miranda or Liara from Mass Effect, or Chloe from Uncharted. Even the overly-buxom characters in Japanese TRPG's like Disgaea. Shining examples of your point if I ever saw one. Heck, even the female deck hand in ME2 makes herself an object. Is it because of the characters obvious sex appeal that female gamers stay away? I think not. CoD or BF or Halo or CS? Hardcore, but male dominated. Why is that? Most female gamers I know don't find sitting around shooting people over and over fun, and I'm talking about gameplay, not harassment. It is gameplay thatt drives what games are played. If females found the game fun, I believe they'd play the game and just mute the chat, not stay away from games. On your point about the verbal harassment of the female players that do: I agree, that should stop. The “offers for sex, threats of rape, sounds of simulated masturbation or demands that [s]he blow the other players” is rude and offensive, and we as gamers need to be courteous and not do that. Chalk that up to being a dominantly male thing for so long, as well as those men lacking the sense to remember that's a human being on the other end of the headset. Those gamers need some tact and taste, but then again, those are also the insufferable alpha's in real life, not the beta's your article starts off mentioning. As an aside: your girlfriend was “decidedly not nerd curious” and yet you dragged her along to comic book stores? Nice.

Onward to two more examples: Metroid (but the zero suit! Pfft. Not core gameplay, just fanservice). Zelda. But wait, Zelda is all about Link, right? No. The entire point is that Link must go save Zelda (it just so happens in order to do that he must save the world). But wait, isn't it sexist to say that the man must go save the woman in these games? Maybe, if you don't take into account that this story type has been around for ages, and the majority of women are just fine with it when it's not in a game. That oh-so-common knight in shining armor fantasy comes to mind. Accepted as a book or movie but not as a game? That makes no sense. Also to be included in this list are many other RPG's, as well as many of the games listed in other comments here (let's not tread the same ground too much, yeah?). Is all fanservice then inherently wrong? No. Why? Because without fanservice, we wouldn't have good followups to IP's, or most innovation (note: by fanservice I mean all catering to the fanbase, not just the scantily clad females to cater to the male demographic you point out).

Look at the casual gaming market: it has exploded with a multitude of fun games that people of all ages and genders play. Is that because of no blatant objectification of women? No. It is because those games are FUN. I don't know a single person that has played Angry Birds that doesn't like it. Am I saying that hardcore console/pc games aren't fun? To me they're loads of fun. To others? They're not. Why? Personal taste. You're arguing at once a paradigm shift and a thought change, which puts you into a bind. In order for that paradigm shift to be accepted, you need to change the minds that drive the current paradigm. Forcing that change will do nothing. I think, that as long as developers keep making fun games, all demographics will stop caring what women are portrayed as, simply because we game for fun, not to look at scantily-clad women. Will that keep those types of characters out of games? Probably not. It doesn't matter, because as long as it's fun, people will buy it. But riddle me this: if men are so responsible for this idolatry, why do women strive to look like supermodels? Because women idolize that concept of “beauty” or “sex appeal” or whatever you want to call it as well. The entire game market is driven by the fans, who purchase based on what is fun, not based on how many half-naked women are in it. If developers didn't give fans what they wanted, they wouldn't be developing for very long. Developers need to cater to an audience (and then make money to keep themselves alive), and they can't continue to make that money without satisfying that audience. So, how do we change this common (not really, most games cleanly avoid your “pitfall” of objectifying women) objectification thread in video games? By changing the way people think about women? Well that's quite a novel idea. I think, at your arguments core, that's what you're getting at too. However, that change will happen slowly, over time, and it most definitely will not happen by claiming moral superiority (your “my ideals of what gaming should be” and if you disagree you're wrong) on one hand and trying to beat your “opponent” into submission on the other.

♫ It's The Holiday Season ♫

My deepest of apologies for not posting in so long, but you see, my time has been sucked up like jello by Bill Cosby. First it was nanowrimo (which I did... kind of. I didn't finish, but I did write some!), and then it was/is that great killer of social lives... SKYRIM. Still playing it, and Rocksmith, the VGA's, all that jazz. BUT! I'm posting now, so that's all that matters, right?

Anywho, I got this great fountain pen in November, a lamy safari. I loved that pen so much, I spent three days handwriting stuff and changing the way I write just to have it look nice. I say loved because *sniff* I lost it thanksgiving night at my grandmothers house. Now, the reason I bought that specific pen is because I can use my bottled ink with it, and it is relatively cheap so if I lost it it would be NBD, right? Right. Except I only had that pen for three days before it disappeared in a room full of people. I'll have to buy a new one, but I have it on pretty good authority that I'm getting the slightly better model as a Christmas gift, so I'll wait a little bit to see. Once I get my new pen, I'll up a scan of my new (for lack of a better word) font.

On that same thread, I really need to start writing this years Christmas cards, I've got a whole stack and haven't even started -_-

Enjoy this Christmas season! Look forward to another post soon, but right now I'm off to try my hand at making fresh pasta.

Social Norms

So if you remember my last post, I mentioned that I had to paint my toenails because I lost a bet. To be honest, at first I hated it. Now? I don't think it looks that bad. Plus, I still thinks it's awesome that they glow in the dark. Just why exactly is it that it's socially unacceptable for a straight male to wear nail polish unless it's black and they're a rocker/emo? The same could be said for a lot of things, really. I don't want to (doesn't seem comfortable/movement is greatly reduced) but heels used to be worn by men (renaissance era boots and such). Why no more? I hate dress shirts and usually stick to tee's, but they're all the same splatterings of color. Why is it so hard to find good, colorful artwork on a shirt (aside from a threadless one)? Because it doesn't look manly or something? Come on, seriously? If you attribute your manliness to the color clothes you wear, you need a new definition of manliness, stat. Just my random observation of the week there.

Next, ANIPLEX & FUNIMATION, Y U NO MAKE MORE EPISODES OF MY FAVOURITE ANIME'S? (Side note, why does my spelling of favourite show up as incorrect?) Seriously, you end them all after like one season, when the mainstream (and less interesting in my opinion) ones like naruto get 50 bazillion episodes and spinoff's. Shame on you guys.

I had something else to say, but I forgot it. Oh well. Until next time!

Uhhh... Yeah

So, I have a few things to say tonight. I'll go in chronological order, yeah?

First: I lost a bet. Not a huge like 50 bazillion dollar bet, but I had to paint my toenails. Like neon green. And I have to wait for it to chip off. The only cool thing about it is that they glow in the dark. Now, with that out of the way, we can go on to the second thing.

Second: NaNo is coming up, and No matter what it is, I've resolved to write. I'll try not to nitpick too much, because things like that are usually what keep me from writing in the first place. So, NaNo, here I come.

Third: ROCKSMITH. ZOMG, amazingness. I played it for six hours today, then went to a two hour guitar practice, and all I want to do is play even more rocksmith. It is super fun, and lived up to all my expectations. A video game where you actually learn how to play the guitar? WIN. What else? It has free bird. DOUBLE WIN. By the end of the week My fingers will be toast, and I'll still be playing. I love this game. Plus, the mechanic for difficulty progression is really good, and could make even the suckiest person feel like a rockstar. I know I do while I'm playing.

Fourth: My ATH AD-700's. Burn in period is over, and they sound amazing. If there was such a thing as an eargasm, these headphones would be the ones delivering each and every time.

Aaaand I think that's it. I'll keep you posted.

One more thing! I learned how to play Blackbird too (on my own, not with rocksmith). Awesomness.

Style

It's the darndest thing. I've been sitting around wanting to pre-order like 50 bazillion games but holding off mostly because the launch dates are too far away (the closest one is in a month), and then had the thought that I had last year: I need a new coat thing. I have sweaters, and I have snow shells (which are all freaking huge on me), and I have one too-small bubble jacket (that one that people used to think made me look like a burnt marshmallow, SO WARM!). What I don't have is a trench. I started looking around, and then decided I should go for the shorter cousin, a pea coat. 

PEA COATS, Y U NO COME IN XS?

They're all too big. All except the crappy looking ones anyways. All that aside, I came to rest on 3 different coats, the first two of which come in smalls and are $100, but I'd get them pretty much as soon as I order. The last one is a little shady (china through ebay), but looks the best IMO and is also the cheapest, however it'd take a month to get here (and I hate waiting on shipping). I've pretty much ruled it out except it comes in XS.

In all, I guess I could drag myself over to a physical storefront, but I hate doing that, mostly because 1) It takes too long and 2) my mom is annoying about this stuff.

So, all that said, here's the deal: I would never have even considered one of these in the past, but I'm looking for some mild warmth with a bit of style, as opposed to the sweater blobs I'm used to and so, because of my difficulty, I present to you my three choices to ask for your input on what to get:

NOTE: I just noticed that I am in dire need of a redesign, I'll get on that.

Blah

So I kept putting off writing because nothing much had happened, until I came to realize that I haven't posted in so long quite a bit has gone on; So, here I am. I got a full HD monitor to use with my laptop, 360 and PS3, and it looks sweet. Finally got a new phone, started school, am teaching a friend how to play guitar, became a solo guitarist on Thursday nights as well as resuming Tuesday practices, in which songs for Christmas are already being practiced. Learned some new songs, signed up for spotify (it's awesome), contemplated and then dismissed hulu+ as well as netflix, really craved and am still wanting to pre-order rocksmith, assassin's creed revelations, modern warfare 3, battlefield 3, the metal gear solid pack, and like fifty other games as well as a PS Vita. Dead Island doesn't look as good as I thought it would, I'm hoping to become an Agent at best buy, just to have a job, and hopefully the upcoming NaNoWriMo will finally be the one where I finish writing my Aurora. Oh, and on the subject of books, I still love my nook, and blew through like 20 books in the span of a month. Last week it was all the harry potter's, and when you read them all back to back, they're still good, but small plot holes appear, as well as some stuff that's supposed to be new in later books but already happened in older books. oh well, whatever.

Nook STR - A non-exhaustive review

So I've been suckered in to a new reality/contest show: The Glee Project. I've come in late in the game, but it's still a really good show on the Oxygen network. Go watch it, tonight's episode (sexuality) was awesome, and I really respect this one guy on there, you'll know who I mean if you see the episode. But now, down to business:

The Nook. Long story short: I love it. I still have my paper library, and I'll never give that up. But now? Digital is for me. What I'll probably do (until the price of e-books drops to cheaper than a paperback) is buy the physical book, and then download the e-book (technically it is "stealing", but under digital rights rules you are allowed to make or download digital backups of physical media that you actually own, so there). Readability is great, I flew through two 200 page books and a 40 page mini-story yesterday, no problem. All without having to swap physical media! --Which is so what I wanted-- Now, what irks me is that they didn't spend another $.02 throwing in a LED with a switch so I can read without lugging around a book light, but you can't have everything. Also, fleshing out the web browser would be really nice. It does a lot, but gets hung up on pictures that are also links (which, in all fairness, shouldn't bother me because it officially doesn't have an advertised web browser). Maybe I'll root it after all... But for now, It'll stay vanilla. A random plus? I can upload my own screen-savers to it. Yay!

Quidditive

Hello there. This is going to be a jumble of thoughts, so if they randomly change without transitions don't kill me. Anyways, my brain has finally clicked and made a minuscule and at the same time massive distinction, and it was such a relief. It's going to make things a lot easier now, and hopefully I won't have anymore weird heart things going on anymore for the foreseeable future.

Also, I caved and ordered a nook. Should come in soon, and then I'm gonna spend a whole post telling you all about it. My two justifications for buying one? I wanted it, and it should save me money when I now buy e-textbooks and stuff.

Dirt

It's amazing how clean a bit of dirt can make you feel. I won't go into details, but while I still kind of feel like I did last post, a huge weight has been lifted from me. Whether or not it settles back down is yet to be seen, but for now, I'll take what I can get. It just gets hard sometimes, you know? Stuff from the past rears its ugly head, and you don't always have the easiest time knocking it back down. Dirt is great at doing that for you, puts the past in perspective.

Anyways, hung out with some friends tonight, hit up the BWW, went for a swim. A good time, if you ask me. Gonna hang out with Lexa on Tuesday, which should also be pretty fun.

Remember, Remember

I'm a coward. And a hypocrite. I hide behind my printed words, and never speak what I mean out loud. I sit and hope and think and brood and dream, and I pretend nothing is happening. Sometimes, I just wish someone would sit me down and not let me leave until I've told the whole truth about what I feel. That scares me. There are some things that I don't even want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. There are some things I've even tried keeping secret from God, even though I know he knows all. My deepest, darkest secret is something I want to forever hide away and proclaim from the rooftops. I remember, and I wish I could forget. Ignorance really is bliss, but I am no longer ignorant. I. Am. Sad. And happy. Alone, and in a multitude. Cowardly, courageous, needy and aloof. I am a dichotomy, a true Taurus/Gemini (though I hold no stock in astrology). I want to share my secrets, but I'm too afraid to confide in anyone. I've been hurt, and have done my fair share of hurting, with a stone face and weeping heart. This is my journal, diary, confidant, sanity. And yet, I can't even tell it what I truly feel. I was trapped in the past tonight, and it was glorious and horrible. My own heart was revealed to me, and what I remembered made me want to forget, as well as lose myself. I hate that. Why can't I decide? Is my decision already made? Am I never supposed to decide? I don't know, but what I do know is that I'll live. It's easy to forget you're carrying weight when you've carried it for so long. And so, because I'm not strong enough to put down the weight, I'll carry it, and it will become slightly easier to handle. Good bye to night, and good morning to dawn.

Day 6

Last night. Tons more good music. Not really much else to say. What do you want to know? Seriously. I love questions. I'm out of things to write about.

Day 5

I am fundamentally opposed to country music. I hate the stuff. However, sometimes the lyrics are just perfect for describing how I'm feeling. I was at a country concert today (when I went I was unaware of the style), mostly listening because I wanted to give it a fair chance and partially because my friend thought it was good music, when the band started a song about lost love. And you know what? Every single word hit the nail on the head. I was probably more attentive to that song than I was to every awesome guitar solo I've heard all week, and I've heard some amazing solos. Hanging on every word, I thought to myself that they must have an answer for this. And you know what? After the whole sad part of the song, it ended. That's it. Really? We as mankind have had this love lost problem since the dawn of time, and the best we can do is say "yeah, it sucks"? BS! There must be a solution that isn't harmful to the self (because hitting the sauce is probably a "solution"). Whatever.

Anyways, something almost-hilarious happened tonight (or today, it is 2:20 AM). I'm camping with someone who leaves food out for no reason, probably because they're forgetful. Anyways, a raccoon comes up out of the woods and starts sniffing around their tent. All the while, my friend and I are quietly LOLing because we figure this raccoon is going to rip into their tent to get some food. It didn't happen, but we got a good laugh anyways.