Remember, Remember

I'm a coward. And a hypocrite. I hide behind my printed words, and never speak what I mean out loud. I sit and hope and think and brood and dream, and I pretend nothing is happening. Sometimes, I just wish someone would sit me down and not let me leave until I've told the whole truth about what I feel. That scares me. There are some things that I don't even want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. There are some things I've even tried keeping secret from God, even though I know he knows all. My deepest, darkest secret is something I want to forever hide away and proclaim from the rooftops. I remember, and I wish I could forget. Ignorance really is bliss, but I am no longer ignorant. I. Am. Sad. And happy. Alone, and in a multitude. Cowardly, courageous, needy and aloof. I am a dichotomy, a true Taurus/Gemini (though I hold no stock in astrology). I want to share my secrets, but I'm too afraid to confide in anyone. I've been hurt, and have done my fair share of hurting, with a stone face and weeping heart. This is my journal, diary, confidant, sanity. And yet, I can't even tell it what I truly feel. I was trapped in the past tonight, and it was glorious and horrible. My own heart was revealed to me, and what I remembered made me want to forget, as well as lose myself. I hate that. Why can't I decide? Is my decision already made? Am I never supposed to decide? I don't know, but what I do know is that I'll live. It's easy to forget you're carrying weight when you've carried it for so long. And so, because I'm not strong enough to put down the weight, I'll carry it, and it will become slightly easier to handle. Good bye to night, and good morning to dawn.